The Beginning of the End (+14)

Theam song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bg92QpjRcJk



New York, 2428 on June 23 was the start of the Beginning of the end, it was the extermination of life on earth, and it is the Doomsday. As like a normal day a man in his apartment woke not knowing what was going on. He was at least six foot tall with pure white hair and a military Jacket, Pants, and boots on all the time; he also loved the thrill of war but has a soft side when it came to soft things like a puppy. He had once worked for the Military but had retired after the war of 2400. Then as the bird flew by it landed on a window. The bird was four feet tall and the beak on it was at least two feet long with red eyes and a hunger for flesh. As Lightning walked over to scare it away he saw it was not a normal bird and when he did he had to open up his window and he saw the sun, it was the color of dark blood and the sky was as if it was a dark brown.

Dozens of the birds flew around outside in the sky and corpses littered the ground, the buildings were on fire, and the screams of people could be heard from farther away. The most disturbing thing was the monsters on the ground they had at least been nine foot with arms that could crush boulders and one eye in the very center and as they walked through the streets the ground shook like an earthquake. Lightning thought a day like this would come and he walked away from the disturbing view, he then walked down to his basement were you could hear him getting ready for a fight.


*End of Chapter 1*

(Can you give me some Critisism I had this idea but I did not know if it would work out. And I am trying to discribe everything as best as I could.)

As my LA teacher would say, "You need a plot, setting, characters, and theme." (um i don't think theme applies to RP) Overall, you have details and punctuation and stuff, so I say you're a-OK.

Thanks I am thinking of Ideas for Chapter 2 and did you like it any?

Yes. I liked it lots. (wait I just rated someone that's older than me. Omg I'm grown up already. lol)

(01-07-2012 06:48 AM)Archeops Wrote:  Yes. I liked it lots. (wait I just rated someone that's older than me. Omg I'm grown up already. lol)

Yes you have and now back to my fortress of FanFic to think of Ideas.

Thats pretty good, if I do say so. Keep it up.

Thanks I think I am happy to have this critisim.



As he was in his basement he was equipping his SMG's, Sniper Rifles, and other weapons. As he did he could hear the screams of more people dieing he knew he had to hurry. He thought " If this does not work we are going to be doomed!" as he walked out of his basement he went to his window and took out his sniper rifle and zoomed in on one of the Giants eye and shot three fifty Caliber bullets into its eye. It screamed in pain as it went to the ground, Lightning then jumped out of the window and ran to it and stuffed one of his most powerful grenades in the hole were its eye used to be. As he pulled the pin and yanked the handle he put it in and ran after he was far away he saw an explosion and he knew that that was one down and an uncountable number to go.

Lightning saw the blood and guts go everywhere and some landed on him, he could then taste the salt in the blood. He walked through the streets being carful not to be seen while he looked for survivors. He thought he heard someone in a building across the street. He told himself "If I am not inside by nightfall he would have no chance." as he held his SMG to shoot anything that could attack him. He saw three of the bird monsters in the air but they did not spot him so he was thinking he was okay. He then walked toward the building being carful and on full alert.



*End of Chapter 2*

I clap. *uhh, whistles* No hands, rrrriiiiiiiiggghhhht.

He looked up into the sky and looked at the sun or at least he thought it was the sun. He turned and ran across the street he saw one of the monster birds coming at him. He could see the red of its eyes. He took out his SMG and shoots its wings and as it came closer he took out his golden handled sword that was given to him from the people he saved in the war. As it came down at him even faster he slashed with the sword hitting the wings. They then came off; blood was everywhere it was a dark green color. He thought "These monsters are a piece of cake!" as he turned around and as he approached the building.

It towered high into the air. He could see most of the windows broken out. He then walked in and as he came up the stairs he was attacked by a pack of Imps. They were about two foot high and had teeth sharp as a razor blade with blood red eyes and dark brown skin. The took out is SMG and shoot three of them in the head and they were down but the others were mad now about him killing the 3 so they went and bit into his leg. He yelled in pain as they tore into his flesh the then worked through the pain and shot the surviving imps in the face and they went down with a thud and he looked at his leg, it was bleeding all over and he was about to yell "Those little pieces of S**t!" but stopped because that would alert his location to the monsters.

He walked down the hall and up several more flights of stairs and finally came to the door that he heard the survivors in. He knocked on the door and they said "Is anyone with you?" he then replied "No I came to see if their was anyone left." and the door unlocked and he walked in and their in the middle of the room was about two survivors with guns ready to fight. He then was ready to ask them their names and if they were ready to fight...


*End of Chapter 3 *

I took a look at the story, and I will give my honest criticism for this. First, LB: title of the story. I'm going to be nitpicky about spelling and tell you that Beginning was misspelled. You might want to fix that, if it's on your paper/assignment. Second, as Arcehops said, where is the plot, theme, character description, location, ecetera? Those are essential to any story being written. Third thing, some of your sentences in Chapter One feel a little "choppy" and look like fragments-which are extremely short sentences that cannot be counted as sentences. Try not to start new sentence with "and" or "but", and watch out for run-on sentences. Another thing I'll point out, there are words in there that should be separated, for instance "atleast" should be "at least". Adding to this, try not to use numbers in your descriptions; instead, type out the full numbers like "five" for "5". It just looks more professional appearing that way.

I won't eat and pick at every little mistake; just be sure you are using proper punctuation where it's needed, the right adjecives and verbs in your descriptions, and capitalization where it's necessary. Lastly, as a fellow writer, it feels as if your chapters are too short; give your story some depth, life and don't feel afraid to put some emotion into it. I know I make mistakes pretty much all the time, so I'm not perfect- I make the same mistakes! Don't forget to proof-read over your work about two times so you don't miss those "goof-ups". Other than this, it's an impressive story.

Umm.....I feel bad now....NO, I'm helping. Did I help? Oh crap, I got a headache. *gets ice pack*

yes you did help, Archeops.

And thanks for the tips Galdr.

I am working on Chapter 4 now.

I have to agree with Galdr.

It could use a bit more. Like, how would you react if you saw the blood red sun? You need to write your character's emotions. It can't be "Bob saw a dancing taco. Then Bob shot it." More like; "Bob turned to the dancing food with pure disgust. Food doesn't do that. Bob thought. He aimed his rifle at the taco, end ended it's miserable life."
Okay, weird example. But yeah, you get it.
Also, his leg should be hurting bad. You can't just say bye bye to the pain and ignore it forever.

Other than that, it's pretty good.

EDIT: Oh yes, and I forgot to mention. Either get rid of that poll or change it. It can't be Good or Bad, It should be like
'BEST THING EVAR.'
'I love it!'
'It's okay.'
'It could use some work.'
'This story isn't very good...'
'This is bad.'.
Just good or bad doesn't really give the reader a way to express their thoughts about it. Although they could just post, but then the poll would be useless.

As he walked toward the survivors they held heavy power guns with bags of ammo for each gun. Lightning had now felt the sharp pain in his leg he yelled with pain and his leg oozed blood he then said “I need help" as he fell to the ground unconscious. He came around looking at the sealing and asked “What happened?" they replied "You fell unconscious and that nasty bite on your leg we cleaned and wrapped." Lightning then got half of his body to get up and asked what are your names?" the Girl with silver hair and a leather jacket, blue jeans ands and a AK-47 replied "I am Jewel." the second man his arms bigger than his head and wearing just a tee- shirt and blue jeans holding a Assault Rifle said "I am Duncan who are you and why do you have all these weapons?" Lightning replied “I am Lightning; former soldier and these are to win this war against the monsters." as he looked around the room.

It looked like it had been untouched for weeks. And he said " Would you be willing to fight back against these monsters instead of sitting here waiting for them to come and get you?" the girl looked at lightning and said " I will come with you." as she got up and got all the ammo into a back pack and got the AK-47 ready to go. And Dunken said “I will go just to crush those things skulls!" and as we got ready Lightning saw the moon out of the window and it had the color of the ocean. And he could see the silhouettes of the monsters from the moons shine. And he could hear the howls of some type of wolfs.

As they got ready to walk out the door he asked "Are you sure you want to come" and they both replied by getting their guns ready. They then walked out of the building past the corpses of the imps from the kill earlier and they came to the doors to out side the building and he yelled " Lets do this thing and kick some of those Mother F***ers back to were they came from!" as he got out his SMG and got ready to go face the monsters that will pay for destroying his city. They then walked out the doors and instantly one of the birds came at them he had his gun ready for this he shoot a barrage of bullets into its face and Jewel shot its wings off with the AK-47 and as it fell to the ground helpless Duncan said " Good night" as he crushed its skull. And they started down the road being carful not to be seen by anymore monsters.

*End of Chapter 4*

I like it! There was some spelling errors, but that's okay.

Thanks I will continue it later today after I do my homework so more to come.

As they walked through the streets they were carful not to be seen by the monsters. As they walked Lightning heard someone but when he told the others to stop they did and he looked around the corner and he saw a legion of Imps, the bird creatures, and the Cyclopes they were listening to a monster at the head of the group and he said “There are three humans here that are causing trouble we need to destroy them so the Master will not destroy us.” and the legion replied “Yes General!” in unison. He looked at Jewel and Duncan and said “Here we need my most powerful weapons.” as Lightning took out a second SMG and loaded it and tossed Duncan a RPG with 3 rockets to put on his back, and Jewel I tossed my Duel Barreled Shoot Gun. And I asked “Everybody ready?” and they replied “Ready when you are.”

As he ran out with the duel SMG’s firing taking out dozens of imps that fell straight to the ground. And as Duncan ran out he pulled up the sight on the RPG and aimed at one of the Cyclopes eyes and he fired, as it hit the eye burst and the skull exploded it then fell with a thud. Jewel ran out with the shoot gun and as the birds flew after her she shoot three of the birds out of the sky and when they hit the ground you could hear their neck snap.

After the first few minutes of the assault the legion was almost down for the count they just had to take out the general. He had three eyes that were in the regular places but one was on the center forehead and had no cloths on and had a giant battle axe that could crush a building. As he rose to his full height which looked at about roughly seventy feet he yelled “You will not win scum!” when he said that Duncan pulled out the last rocket and shoot it. It landed straight into The Generals chest. He fell back words and he recovered from the shook and slammed his axe down on the ground barley missing Lightning and when he saw that he jumped on the axe and ran up the length of it and fired the Duel SMGs into The Generals Eyes and as he did he had opened up a weak spot and throw the SMGs to Duncan and he caught them. Lightning then yelled “Die beast!” as he pulled his sword out of the holder on his back and stabbed it down into the Generals Chest.

The General fell with a thud and Lightning pulled the sword out of the heart of it and walked off the body and threw his most powerful grenade at the body and as it blew he walk away with Jewel and Duncan following him. And Jewel told Lightning “You did great you took it down with one hit to the heart” and Duncan said “Good job buddy now if that was a general what else is their to fight that was hard a bit and the rest is going to be a lot harder.” and as they walked away they knew they were going to win this fight if they kept it up and they headed for a building to reload on ammo and eat and rest.


*End of Chapter 5*

Wow! This story is really awesome! And I'm not just saying that cuz I'm nice. They really are awesome.

Thanks that took me about half a hour to make more to come tommorow or late tonight.

Well, it's a bit hard to read because of the constant run-ons and general lack of commas, but I think the concept is interesting. Still, it lacks a reason. Why are monsters attacking? Why are they fighting? Who has all sorts of weapons laying around in their basement? Things like that.